Posts tagged ‘Health’

April 20, 2013

burning one down

by maria polonchek
motherjones.com

motherjones.com

I honestly can’t remember why I used to hate marijuana with such vehemence. You’d think I’d have been more intolerant of alcohol, as I grew up with firsthand understanding of the havoc it wreaks. An early memory: I’m eight, in the car with my mother as we drive past a liquor store. “I’d like to burn every one of those to the ground,” she says. I knew my mother to be gentle and kind; this was an introduction to the tangled relationship between alcohol and aggression, anger, and despair that I would come to understand well.

But still, I started drinking when I was 14. I drank too much, too often, along with many of my high-school friends. I had good, true friends who felt just as misunderstood as I did in high school and who railed against the judgment and hypocrisy that hangs thick in the air of a small town, like humidity. But I turned into a hypocrite myself when some of those friends took up pot, and I was aghast. I’d get drunk, yet make them choose between marijuana and me. I graduated high school more alone than ever.

It took a decade, lots of strained relationships, and some perspective, but I feel differently. Now I’m in my thirties–married, three kids, a graduate degree and a minivan–and you can light up around me whenever you want. It started with a small step: holding judgment. Next, I asked some questions. Marijuana is no more addictive than legal drugs and is not a “gateway” to other illegal drugs. Then, I got to know some incredible people who happen to smoke pot rather than dismissing them as potheads.

Finally, there are the anecdotes: I know people who have been raped, beaten, verbally assaulted, or otherwise abused by someone under the influence of alcohol. You probably do, too. On the other hand, the worst I’ve seen people do when they’re stoned is get quiet. Or maybe giggle uncontrollably, at worst. And as much as we joke about how easy it is to get medical marijuana in California, cancer patients, recovering alcoholics, and people who suffer from arthritis and migraines and MS don’t see what’s so funny. Innocent victims of the “war on drugs” aren’t laughing, either.

Despite my change of view, I still rarely smoke pot myself. I prefer to indulge when I’m alone and with a busy family, that’s not often. But as I’ve become outspoken in it’s defense, I’m floored by the variety of people who admit to smoking. They’re told in whispers and codes, these secrets I keep, because of judgment that lingers. These people aren’t gangsters and rastas. They’re engineers, lawyers, teachers, fathers, and mothers. Some of them might live next door to you. You would probably think nothing of splitting a bottle of wine with them, maybe raise your eyebrows if they lit a cigarette, but what if they offered you a joint?

It’s time to watch the prohibition go up in smoke.

(4/20 is National Pot Day, though you won’t see this marked on your Federal calendar.)

May 30, 2012

to bean, or not to bean

by maria polonchek

Okay. Once I tell you the name of the book I read recently, you will know where this post is going and you may very well choose to completely ignore it. The book was Eating Animals, by Jonathan Safran Foer. (Seriously, Jonathan Safran Foer. You are not a law firm. You could cut back on the nameage.) Eating Animals is his first non-fiction book after the novels Everything is Illuminated and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. I’ve had Everything is Illuminated on my “To Read” list for two years now, but haven’t gotten to it yet. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close has been made into a movie and got action at the Oscars, but I don’t know what was said because I was only paying attention to Penelope Cruz and her Spanish wonderfulness.

I’m sorry. This has absolutely nothing to do with the post. I just wanted to look at her for a moment. (image: tapety24.org)

ANYWAY. As some of you early followers know, I have an ongoing interest in food. I want reiterate that I’m not interested in dieting, as in short-term eating (or not eating) with the intent to lose weight or change the way I look. This is not the relationship with food I want to model for my kids. But I am interested in diet, as in a long-term investment in nutrition, sustainability (for both me and the planet), and how food makes me feel.

Do you remember, Katie, when you gave me a hard time about going gluten-free? (Which was fine because we shared lunches, which meant YOU had to go gluten-free and, besides, I deserve a hard time about most things I try.) As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve experimented with lots of different ways of eating, from Paleo (the “caveman” diet) to vegetarianism. And it’s true that new information on diet can morph into “fads” that come and go and often, as a result, is mis-understood. But I guess I’m open to fads because I learn new things to incorporate into a long-term way of eating, after the extremes fizzle out. For example, I’m pretty sure EVERYONE could benefit from having more veggies at breakfast.

Of course, Katie, you have had it nailed all along with your “everything in moderation” approach. But one of us needs to be fun to tease.

It seems that if a person really wants to, she can can get her hands on a lot of sound information about food. I’ve read The Omnivore’s Dilemma, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, and Fast Food Nation. I’ve seen Food, Inc., Super Size Me, and King Corn. I cook with Food Matters and Healing With Whole Foods nearby. (Wow. That was a lot of links. I’ve still got to get to Forks Over Knives, too.)

So, while I found myself getting all worked up as I read Eating Animals, I also practiced an exercise in awareness by paying attention to the reactive chatter in my mind and not jumping to any huge conclusions. (Except for the bowl of cilantro-lime shrimp I abandoned after the chapter on seafood. Never one to waste, Chris finished it for me.) Jonathon S. F. uses personal narrative to appeal to the reader’s emotions in this book and makes some pretty huge claims that seem, at times, unreasonable.

It’s just the kind of writing that sucks me in.

In the style of mental rebuttal you had with your pastor in one of your recent posts, here is the dialogue in my head as I was reading:

  • This whole family is going vegan, like, yesterday.
  • Wait. Not sure Chris will go for that. Maybe just vegetarian.
  • Wow. “Cage-free” and “free-range” mean nothing.
  • My cousin was right. I can’t just pat myself on the back for eating “humanely raised” animals. I’ve got to question the slaughter methods. As long as the USDA has control over slaughterhouses, these animals suffer horrible deaths.
  • Well, seafood might be good for me, but it’s terrible for the environment.
  • But how are we supposed to get Omega 3s and B-vitamins?
  • Wait. Jonathon S.F. says he’s writing this because he wants to know how to feed his son. If he’s so concerned about the environment, how can he justify having any children? Our food problems aren’t getting any better by overpopulation.
  • Ohhh….I can’t go there. I have three children. And they’re pretty cool. I like to think I did the future a favor by having them.
  • It’s interesting that vegans and vegetarians don’t talk about the environmental and social impact of their diets: what about the overworked soil, pesticides, and conditions for the migrant workers who are picking all their food?
  • Dang. The only possible way for me to feel good about the way our family eats is to grow and raise our own food.
  • That’s not happening any time soon. Dang.
  • Don’t. Know. What. To. Eat.
  • Maybe we should at least get a pet chicken.

It goes on and on until I come full-circle and pretty much continue to keep doing what we’re doing. I’m planning one more vegetarian meal a week and did ask the butcher at Whole Foods where our chicken was slaughtered.  She gave me loads of information, including the name of the farm we could tour. But when I suggested this possibility  to the kids, I didn’t realize that they didn’t realize that farmers buy and raise animals specifically to kill them.  They knew we are eating animals, but they thought we ate them after they had died of old age, a distinction I take for granted.

Taj said, “I’ll visit that farm to tell the farmers they are being selfish. They’re only considering their own species.”

The twins both said they were going vegetarian, which I thought was great, until they refused to eat more vegetables. Then, they decided to eat the chicken. Kids are not so unlike adults.

I guess for now, I continue to educate myself and make the best decision with the information I have. But I wonder: how do other people approach the food conundrum? I see everything from willful ignorance to extreme activism. I seem to fall somewhere in the middle which, considering that we ALL eat, EVERY day, seems to be the least I can do.

May 2, 2012

as if it were that easy

by maria polonchek

Katie, I remember a time one of our mutual friends asked if you’d seen me around and you said something like, “You experience Maria in spurts.” Remember that? I guess it’s no surprise this is how I blog, too. You don’t hear from me for a week and then I write two posts in less than 24 hours.

this will make more sense once you’ve read the whole thing…
from sharetv.org

But I thought I would update you and our readers about the most recent cloud of depression to cover my sun. Everyone has been so encouraging and understanding. It’s made a difficult thing to write about and address feel more welcome in the public forum. Here is the concrete: the depression has lifted. It lifted sometime during the early morning hours of Monday, April 23rd, to be exact. I waited about a week to confirm, just to be on the safe side, but sure enough, I woke that morning suddenly feeling like my “self” again and wondered what in the word was ever wrong. I’ve been fine since.

What had changed overnight? I have no idea. Depression is a mystery.

But I want to write about coming out of it soon after because, like most experiences, the details get fuzzy after too much time goes by. Here are, from what I can tell, some things that helped me through this most recent bout more quickly (about 3 weeks) than I have before:

  • already taking my antidepressants on a daily basis, which kept the bottom under me from dropping even lower
  • taking my anti-anxiety med after the FIRST NIGHT I couldn’t sleep. Not-sleeping begets more not-sleeping and pretty soon the insomniac fears that death is the only respite s/he will have from her/his mind….
  • voicing to my circle of friends and fam (and, of course, my therapist) that I was not doing well
  • FORCING myself, sometimes through tears, to be mindful of my self-care: good nutrition, running, yoga, therapy, meditating, little pick-me-ups: getting my hair trimmed, getting a pedicure…
  • reminding myself what I’ve learned through the years: that though this feels real, it’s not really real; that there is always an end; that I’m not alone…

I remember the first time I saw a professional for help. It was when the boys were 18 months old (they just turned 7) and she had me take the Beck Depression Inventory (BDI) from Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. The Inventory lists cognitive distortions a person experiences depending on the severity of his/her depression.  You compile a score based on the severity of 21 symptoms like:

  • (0) I do not feel sad.
  • (1) I feel sad.
  • (2) I am sad all the time and I can’t snap out of it.
  • (3) I am so sad or unhappy that I can’t stand it.

I don’t remember what my original score was, but needless to say, it was very high. I was severely depressed and had been for so long, I thought the way I walked through and experienced life was totally normal. Within 72 hours of starting antidepressants, I began to feel better. (It’s not usual to feel results this quickly, but indicates a level of bi-polarity.) I literally saw things differently: the sky was a sharper blue and shapes were more in focus; also, the wind sounded different through the trees; food had more flavor; I looked like a different person in the mirror to myself. After adjusting to this “new” normal, I realized that I had accepted a way of being that I didn’t have to accept anymore. After a year, I took the BDI again, and scored as most people do. I had a new normal.

Brain chemistry is a mysterious thing and it’s hard to understand. This is clear to me after reading comments left after my last post on depression. One person offered advice with the best intentions—advice commonly heard from people suffering depression. It followed these lines: distract yourself; do things you enjoy; recognize that other people have it worse than you; define purpose for your life; your children need you….

Of course, this advice is offered with the best intentions and is very common advice. I appreciate ALL comments left on the blog, whether I agree with them or not. (As long as they are nice. People need to be nice.) Unfortunately, this type of advice, which seems so obvious, can also be the most dangerous for someone experiencing depression. These ideas feed into the very fears and insecurities she is struggling with. There is no distracting; she doesn’t enjoy anything; she knows people have it worse; she can’t remember her purpose; she can’t be there for her children…The problem is that using logic and addressing someone as if s/he is functioning on a normal cognitive level will not work.

Forgive me for quoting The Backyardigans, but I’ve been listening to their songs non-stop for three years. In Viking Voyage, they sing this song: If you wanna be a viking/ go sailing ‘stead of hiking. Brilliant, right? It makes so much sense. But a person whose brain isn’t functioning the way it would if they were well—a person who is clinically depressed—wants so desperately to be a viking, but can’t go sailing.  So she hikes and hikes into further isolation and despair and knows no one wants to go with her.

Finally, another comment left by someone who has turned his pain into art for me:

Once, I tried to describe to some friends those little things that make me want to cry. They’ve always known me as a funny person…There were a variety of reactions that I got, but one stuck with me. I was told that I was being depressing and I should stop being like that. As if it were that easy. Later that night, I cried. I didn’t want to be that person, but didn’t know how to stop being him either.

Thank you all, for hanging with me and being the compassionate people you are. This seems like a miniscule gesture, but I’d like to dedicate this post, in memoriam, to Aimee Elizabeth Ziegler. She is a woman I never met, though my heart grieves tremendously for her and her family. There are no words.

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